


No one's fault but mine

by strangerthingswasntthatgood



Category: The Iliad - Homer, The Song of Achilles - Madeline Miller
Genre: AU, Angst, M/M, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-01-18
Packaged: 2021-02-19 07:03:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22307128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strangerthingswasntthatgood/pseuds/strangerthingswasntthatgood
Summary: Achilles is told Patroclus will die if they go to Troy.
Relationships: Achilles & Patroclus (Song of Achilles), Achilles/Patroclus (Song of Achilles)
Comments: 16
Kudos: 249





	No one's fault but mine

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't read this book in ages, excuse any mistakes and the semi-weird order of things.
> 
> The idea came to me as I read a tumblr post.

“This war will bring you fame”, Achilles watched his mother. Her face was twisted in a grimace. “But you will die. I will not watch my only son die for fame.”

Achilles took some sand in his hands. It sipped through his fingers. Only a few grains of sand remained stuck to the inside of his hands and fingers.

“Mother”, Achilles began. Silence fell between them.

“You will lose the mortal that you love.”

Achilles stiffened. He knew his mother knew, of course, but they never spoke  of Patroclus. When his mother had angered him the last time, they agreed to not speak of him again. 

“Then I will not go.” Achilles stood. He turned from his mother, something he refrained from doing if he could. She was his mother, no matter what she thought of him and Patroclus.

“Achilles”, his mother sounded closer than before and Achilles could feel her stone cold aura touch his back. “He will die. Whether you like it or not, he will leave you to mourn.”

Achilles turned around and faced his mother. Their faces were only inches apart.

“Then I’ll be sure to spend as much time with him as I can.” 

“We mustn’t go, Patroclus.”

Achilles glanced up to have a look at the man in front of him. Time had been kind to Patroclus; his lips were plump and his face was shaped as if of marble. Where Achilles had once seen a boy, was the beginning of a man.

“You...”, Patroclus seemed to search for words. Achilles stopped him by grabbing Patroclus’ hands.

“Believe me.” Achille’s voice was barely above a whisper. Patroclus didn’t reply immediately. Instead, silence fell between them. The only thing they could hear was the waves from the ocean.

“I would follow you to the underworld and back”, Patroclus spoke slowly, as if he didn’t want to say it. “I would fight the Gods for you and I would turn the world upside down for you. If you want to go to war, I will follow you.”

Achilles gazed through the window. He couldn’t see the ocean, but he could smell and hear it. It was almost as if his mother spoke to him. 

“No”, Achilles said. He pulled back and stood. “We mustn’t go. I shall tell father immediately.”

Patroclus followed him to the throne room, even though Achilles hadn’t asked him to. Their fingers touched for only a second, as Achilles entered the room. It was busier than usual, but Achilles didn’t mind. Instead, he walked closer to his father’s throne and knelt.

“Father”, he spoke. “I will not lead these men into battle.”

Silence fell. Only a second ago, the room had been filled with noises and chatter, now Achilles could hear Patroclus’ breathing behind him.

“Oh?” a small smile spread over Peleus’ lips. Achilles knew he wanted an explanation, but it wasn’t for everyone to hear. Not even Patroclus.

“I have made up my mind. I’ll return to master Chiron tomorrow.”

The same night, his mother visited him in his chambers. Achilles had no memory of her ever doing it before.

“I love you, my son.” Thesis said, as Achilles let her inside. Patroclus had fallen asleep earlier, while Achilles had stroked his hair and sang a song.

“And I you, mother.” Achilles replied. He walked back to the pallet and sat, carefully stroking Patroclus’ hair from his face. Only the thought of what could happen to Patroclus pained him. It was as if someone had thrust a spear in his gut and twisted and kept twisting. He couldn’t eat nor sleep, he could only stay close to the man he loved so dearly.

“Your father came to speak to me.”

Achilles didn’t look at his mother. There was nothing else to say, he was not going to Troy.

“Father never speaks to you.” he said, instead. Patroclus’ skin felt hot against his fingertips.

“He thinks I made you stay.”

Achilles shrugged.

“I told him I won’t go.”

The sound that left Thesis then must have been a laugh. Achilles did not understand why, only this morning she had begged him not to go.

“Then, my darling, he hasn’t told you about Patroclus?”

Achilles stilled. His fingertips rested against Patroclus, but he didn’t move. He barely breathing.

“We agreed not to talk about him.”

“He made a promise”, Thesis sat down on what was once Patroclus’ bed. “He must go with Menelaus and fight for Helen.”

Patroclus moved. Achilles carefully draped the sheets over his body again, as if to make sure his lover wasn’t cold.

“He mustn’t go. He’s with me now.”

Thesis laughed again. This time, Achilles moved to look at her. She looked worn. Achilles had never seen her quite like it.

“Achilles”, her voice was barely above a whisper. “If he doesn’t go, they’ll kill him regardless.”

“Come”, Achilles grabbed Patroclus’ hand. He had woken the other as soon as his mother had left. “Come, Patroclus. We must leave.”

“What’s going on?” Patroclus sat on the pallet now. His cheeks were flushed with sleep and his hair was messier than usual.

“We must leave. Now.”

Achilles pulled at Patroclus again, who stood. Achilles didn’t understand why his mother laughed at him, why she’d mock him, when he knew how much Patroclus meant to him.

“No”, Patroclus stopped. “No, tell me what’s wrong.”

Achilles grabbed his bag when Patroclus didn’t move. He couldn’t tell Patroclus what his mother had said.

“I’ll tell you when we reach Chiron. Not now.”

Patroclus pulled a tunic on, but still looked unsure. Achilles knew Patroclus trusted him and perhaps that was why he did this.

They reached the stables only a few minutes later. A stable boy hummed as he readied the equipment for the war. Perhaps the boy would go, too.

“We want two horses. Now, please.”

The boy turned around in a haste and watched Achilles for a second. Then, the boy nodded and grabbed the saddle he had been working on.

“Yes, Prince Achilles.”

“What are we doing?” Patroclus asked, as soon as the boy had left to grab two horses. There would be no time to go by foot and they wouldn’t stay with Chiron for long this time, Achilles had decided. They’d go to a far off kingdom somewhere Menelaus couldn’t find them.

“A prophecy.” Achilles replied. Achilles felt how Patroclus moved, perhaps in search for words.

“What did it say?”

Achilles didn’t reply. The boy was already on his way back. The horses weren’t saddled, but it was hardly necessary.

“Bridles are enough”, Achilles took the horses from the boy. They were both beautiful, Achilles noted. Two mares, one white and the other a chestnut with white fetlocks and a white star under her mane.

The boy ran off again and Achilles stroked the white one. He ignored Patroclus attempt to grab his attention again.

“Here we go”, the boy said, as he bridled the chestnut one. “This is Hestia and the white one is Nyx.”

Achilles grabbed the boy’s lower arm, as if to shake his hand.

“Thank you.”

It took less than fifteen minutes from Achilles’ bedroom to finally leave the castle. They were both quite. Achilles had never liked the horseback much, but Patroclus thrived. His hair followed the wind like grass and his movements were as if one with the horse. Had Achilles not felt his heart hammer in his chest, he might have enjoyed the sight.

With the horses, it barely took two hours before they reached Chiron’s cave. He waited for them and Achilles got down from his horse in a matter of moments. Patroclus took longer, but only because Patroclus had stopped to make sure the horses were alright.

“Master Chiron”, Achilles whispered, afraid Patroclus would hear. “We must leave. We have come to bid farewell.”

Chiron studied him. Achilles had never been able to hide anything from Chiron, but this hurt too much to say. The spear that was knowledge was pushed further in and twisted faster. Chiron grabbed him just when he was about to fall to his knees.

“Achilles?” Patroclus was with him in a second. This, this was what he would lose. No fame, however great, would ever be enough.

“Is he okay?” Patroclus must have spoken to Chiron, Achilles realised. Never before had he felt so out of control.

“Thetis was here”, Chiron spoke. His voice was strong and calm and  _ home _ . “She has told me of your plans. You cannot hide from destiny, child.”

“What’s going on?” Patroclus spoke again. Achilles could hear the panic in his voice.

“I cannot lose him”, Achilles said, finally. Chiron still held him. “I would rather die.”

“And you will”, Chiron’s voice remained calm. “You must choose how.”

“No”, Patroclus said. He grabbed Achilles and pulled him from Chiron, who let him go without hesitation. “He won’t die. I will not… I cannot stand it.”

Silence fell. Birds sang and leaf rustled in the wind, but no human sound could be heard. Achilles couldn’t even hear Patroclus’ breath.

“My children”, Chiron began. “Death comes to all of us. When or where it happens is never known. However, we can make the most of the time we have. Have I not told you before?”

Achilles and Patroclus replied in unison: “You have.”

“I have”, Chiron agreed. “We will have breakfast and let the horses rest. Then you must both return to the castle.”

Chiron made them breakfast. Achilles and Patroclus sat together near the fire. Any other day, Achilles would have had a million things to say, but not today. The sparks from the fire was enough.

“Will you tell me what’s going on?” Patroclus asked him, when Chiron left the cave to find some berries. Achilles turned from the fire to his dear friend, his lover, his everything.

“Mother has told me about a prophecy”, Achilles began. He was afraid his voice might fail him. “If I go to Troy.”

“... You will die”, Patroclus continued. “Yes, she said.”

“No”, Achilles said. “Something else.”

Achilles sat between Patroclus’ legs and rested his back against Patroclus’ chest. Achilles could almost feel Patroclus’ beating heart like this and the steady rhythm of his breathing.

“Then what?” Patroclus asked. His lips touched the top of Achilles’ head and for a second, everything felt like before they had been asked to return the first time. Achilles wished it was only a bad dream, but it was not.

“If I go to Troy”, Achilles said again. “You will die.”

“Thank you, Chiron.” Patroclus hugged the centaur. Their hug lasted a moment longer than usual and Achilles thought he knew why. Patroclus was saying goodbye. Achilles hadn’t decided anything, but he somehow knew Patroclus had.

“Goodbye, my children.” Chiron said. Achilles was surprised to feel the centaur’s hand in his hair, but hugged the other just like Patroclus had.

“Goodbye, master Chiron.” Achilles let go off him and took a step back. Patroclus had already sat up on Hestia.

“I hope to see you again soon.” Chiron said, just as he gave Nyx a slap and the horse jumped a step forward. Before Achilles knew it, the horse galloped down the path. Patroclus was close behind him. 

The ride back was a little less tense. Patroclus and Achilles spoke, but not of the prophecy or the war. Had Achilles thought they’d only be gone for a few hours, he would've taken only one horse. There was something special about having Patroclus close. Especially now, when his mother had told him.

They reached the castle by lunch. Achilles got off his horse, but Patroclus stayed on his. To be honest, Achilles was getting awfully sore.

“There they are! Fetch the King!”

Achilles didn’t recognise any of the guards on the wall, which was unusual. Patroclus stayed on Hestia, gently petting her neck.

“Do you think they’re angry?” he asked. Achilles shook his head. He doubted his father would be. They had only gone for a ride, if anyone else wondered. As far as Achilles knew, only a few of them knew of the prophecy.

What happened then was even stranger. His mother, together with his father, stood upon the wall. She was usually pale, but Achilles had never seen her like this. She was almost transparent.

“Peleus”, she began, but his father hushed her. Another man stood upon the wall.

Everything happened extremely fast. Achilles didn’t even know if Patroclus had the time to understand what was happening.

“No!” Thetis scream echoed against the castle walls. Achilles wasn’t prepared or he might have had the time to block the arrow. Now, he was only fast enough to see it hit perfectly in Patroclus’ chest. It sunk in to his body as if through water. No resistance, barely a sound. When Patroclus body hit the ground a scream could be heard. Thetis’ had been loud, but it was nothing compared to Achilles’. He fell to his knees and this time Chiron couldn’t catch him. The centaur was on a mountain top a few hours away.

Stones dug into Achilles’ knees and the pain was welcoming. It was a slight distraction from what he felt inside. Another roar left his throat.

“What have you done?!” Thetis’ voice matched her sons, but he could not hear it. He could not hear anything, because what was the world without his most beloved? Patroclus’ heart had stopped and Achilles’ had shattered into a million pieces.

When the sun set, Peleus was the first one to go see his son. No one had dared move, except for Menelaus who had shot the arrow. As the time had passed, Achilles’ screams had softened to sobs.

“It is time to come inside, my son.” Peleus said, but Achilles did nothing to show his father that he knew he was there. There was nothing else in the world that truly mattered to the prince. Whatever beauty he had seen in the world had died with Patroclus.

The second one to visit Achilles, was his mother. She didn’t bring words of comfort or wishes for him to let the mortal go, she came only with a wet cloth and a blanket. The blanket she draped over her sons shoulders and the cloth she used to wipe the dried blood from Patroclus’ lips and Achilles’ hands.

“This”, Achilles whispered, as he touched Patroclus’ lips. “and this, and this, and this…”

For two whole days, Achilles stayed with his lover in his arms. He spoke to him, kissed him and held him. By that time, the news had reached Chiron and thus, he was the third to visit Achilles and Patroclus. At first, Achilles had been angry. Chiron had told them to go back, but as time passed Achilles had realised he was the only one to blame. Perhaps that was why he couldn’t let Patroclus go.

“Achilles”, Chiron had sat down next to him. “I am sorry this has happened to you.”

Like the other times, Achilles didn’t move. He simply pushed Patroclus’ hair from his forehead and pressed his lips to the cold skin. 

“Child, it is time to let him go”, Chiron began. Only then did Achilles react. Had he not looked up to the centaur, he would have killed him. Chiron held up a hand, as if to stop the boy. “I do not say this for your sake, I say it for Patroclus’ sake. He is lost between our world and the underworld. You know this.”

Achilles nodded. Words weren’t for anyone but Patroclus right now.

“He will wait for you, but first… You have to let him go.”

There was a dry sob, then Achilles leaned over the man in his arms. He held Patroclus close, held him in his arms as if he would never let go. He didn’t know for how long he stayed like that, but when he pulled back Chiron still sat beside him.

“I love you”, he whispered. Chiron must’ve heard him, but said nothing. “I love you and I will see you again.”

Achilles would have lied if he said he remember what happened next. Somehow, he stood in the throne room again. His father sat on his throne and his mother was nowhere to be found. Menelaus and Agamemnon, on the other hand, stood by the king.

“Achilles”, Peleus said. “It’s nice to see you on your feet again.”

Achilles didn’t even look at his father. His eyes were only for the man who had killed Patroclus.

“As I’m sure Patroclus has told you, he made a pact to fight for Helen and her suiter. Helen has been kidnapped by Paris, but you knew that, too. Do you understand?”

“Yes”, Achilles replied. “I understand that a cruel man killed my love. And I understand that they have come to ask me to fight for them. I will not. I will fight for Troy, if that’s what it takes to have this man’s head on a stick outside the castle as a reminder of what happened to Patroclus.”

Menelaus grinned foolishly. Achilles did not.

“Son, it was a mistake. King Menelaus thought you had left to flee the war.”

Achilles turned to his father for the first time since he entered the room.

“We did”, Achilles replied. “Because I was told that if we went to Troy, Patroclus would die. He did not have a say in it. I woke him in the night and dragged him to master Chiron. Menelaus killed an innocent man.”

“Cowards”, Menelaus snarled. “Both of you.”

Then, Achilles could not contain his fury any longer. He was fast, he had always been. Faster than the average fighter. He was in front of Menelaus in a matter of seconds and in even less time, Menelaus’ neck snapped. Achilles could feel it in his hands, when bones broke. He let Menelaus body go and watched as the lifeless body hit the floor.

Someone screamed.

“I will not go to war”, Achilles raised his voice. “Because I refuse to fight for someone who isn’t even a man.”

Then he spat on Menelaus’ corpse. Achilles didn’t know if that’s what set Agamemnon off, but that’s when Menelaus’ brother came running. Agamemnon drew his sword. Peleus screamed, but nothing could stop the sword now. Achilles opened his arms and welcomed death like an old friend.


End file.
